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Faux News

Tall Tales of The Absurd
By Mindy Web
Chronicle Staff Writer

One minute Jonas Weer was hiking with his golden retriever in a forest. The next, his pet was being torn apart by a "huge insect".

A scene from a sci-fi film? No, maintains Weer, who says he was rescued from the creature by a team of supernatural hunters calling themselves "dragons".

"I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for the timely intervention of my guardian angels," says Weer. "An angelic woman in a red suit, a school girl and a cheerleader came from the woods nearby and saved my life. They were quite the trio."

He described them as the Charlie's Angels of the supernatural world.

Weer and others -- including Tara Fortuna who says that "dragon warriors" are protecting us from the evils of the worlds -- gathered in Sao Plana this week for a world discussion on "dragons".

"I chatted with one personally," said Fortuna. "His name is Max and is quite the extraordinary man. He says he fights this war so that we don't have to."

The Dragons Congress, organized by the Children of Omega, a group that believes a small band of warriors are fighting the good fight so that we can live normal lives, takes place during the next three days. People from all over the world will come to discusss how the "dragons" have saved them from disaster.

US air force Lt. Col. Amanda Pare, 43, told a news conference last night of her first meeting with one of the warriors in 2001, when she about to meet an untimely end but was saved by Fortuna's warrior named Max.

"I was returning home one evening, when there was something on the road. I swerved to miss it and ended up in the ditch," says Pare. "When I got out there was a huge beast there and it nearly got me, but then there was this fellow who saved my life."

Pare described the fellow who seemed to bounce from tree to tree and land with a flourish on the road between her and the beast (she describes it as a huge mutated dog).

"As the dog leaped for me, I saw him spring from a branch with both guns blazing and the bullets struck the creature and sent it spinning back a few yards. Then Max landed before me and still kept firing at the beast and walking towards it as well. The creature was taking round after round."

Once the beast was dead, the dragon warrior strolled up to Pare and asked if she was okay. And then he nodded his head and leaped back into the forest.

It is the opinion of this reporter that either Max is indeed Peter Pan gone Lost Boy or that these people watched too much Japanese animation.